


Who Am I

by DonnaLynn



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M, Gen, Self-Destruction, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2018-10-13
Packaged: 2019-06-26 09:08:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15660123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DonnaLynn/pseuds/DonnaLynn
Summary: (a Solo Series) The team is divided, but Natasha is torn, unsure of who she is anymore. (This will be updated with characters and rating changes for each chapter.)





	1. Falling

**Author's Note:**

> This is a solo series from my RP account. It’s a journey following what Natasha went through after leaving Tony at the Avengers compound in Captain America: Civil War.
> 
> Please be warned that this will have triggers such as self-harm, but no cutting or anything of that sort. I will post warnings and tags.

F A L L I N G

I'm not the one who has to watch my back…

Those were the last words she spoke to anyone before she went off the grid. Tony was right, Ross would be gunning for her, she broke the Accords no matter how much she tried to talk her way out of it. But she wouldn't change her choice if put in the same situation again.

She couldn't...not with confronted by both of them.

Natasha agreed with the Accords for one reason, her entire life was lawless until she joined S.H.I.E.L.D. And she has always done what she could to make amends for the horrors she has committed in her life. She felt not signing the Accords would wipe all that hard work away. But on the other hand she favored the freedom the Avengers needed, as they had always had. Understood the sometimes necessity to make brash on hand decisions, bypass the red tape.

She had been put between a rock and a hard place with Tony and Steve. Tony was apt for signing the Accords and shockingly Steve was against signing them not wanting the team to be governed.

The decision to sign came easy because she could be on the inside. At least she could have some kind of control of the situation to protect Steve. But then things went from bad to worse when the bombing happened and it was Bucky suspected of having done it. Perspective went out the window, for more than just Steve.

After DC, after the fall of S.H.I.E.L.D and HYDRA, Natasha went back to Russia to try and find her birth parents. Where she found their graves by a chain length fence. She paid her respects and did a little more digging into her past, and she paid the price. She began to remember memories from the Red Room she didn't remember from before. Training, there was a lot of training with a man, a man with...a metal arm. Natasha had woke from the memory covered in sweat not remembering where she was, scared. Denial of what she remembered gripped her, the memories flooded her mind over days. The same contact she used to get Bucky's file for Steve she went to directly for her own. Except she used extreme force to demand any knowledge between herself and the Winter Soldier.

What she learned chilled her.

The Winter Soldier trained her personally, shaped her into the assassin and spy she is today, molded her in every way. According to the file they had developed an ‘emotional attachment’ as they called it and had them both wiped. He was sent back with HYDRA and she was carried on within the program as the rest of the recruits.

Natasha left Russia and decided to not reveal what she learned to anyone, least of all to Steve. No one would gain anything by knowing she was trained or knew him in her past and she had been wiped. She knew nothing of his whereabouts before or after HYDRA’s demise so it would do nothing but cause tension and hurt, for Steve.

Returning to the states it was back to business with the Avengers in no time. It wasn't long before Natasha encompassed herself in a fantasy bubble. Becoming a little emotionally attached to Bruce after they had started using a method together that had her being the one bringing him back from the brink to being Bruce from the Hulk with the ‘touching lullaby’, it awakened something in her she thought was lost in her childhood, hope. But it didn't take long before those hopes were crushed and she realized that fantasy was exactly what it was, a fantasy.

Then the Accords happen, the bombing in Wakanda, and Barnes...everything began to fall apart, the team was turning on one another. Natasha realized she had to be the medium, protect both sides or someone was going to get hurt. She tried to reason with Tony, tried to reason with Steve but they were both to set in their convictions and strong willed. And then there was Bucky, she didn't want him to get hurt or killed. She remembered everything about their past and she had no idea if he did or not. When he was choking her out in Germany in Winter Soldier mode she tried to get through to him but he didn't recognize her. But maybe he could remember the phrase at some point and it would trigger a memory. But if their last few encounters don't make him remember her, maybe nothing will. Then again, maybe he did and just didn't acknowledge it for his own reasons, which she could respect. It's during a time period of his life he would rather forget she is sure.

But when she was faced with Steve and Bucky and with the choice to apprehend them or face the consequences of going against the Accords, she couldn't betray Steve and she felt she owed Bucky a long overdue debt.

So now she was a fugitive just like Steve and the rest of his team that he broke out of the raft prison. She had thought about contacting him. To see if he would be willing to at least meet with her. She wanted to make sure he was alright, but she knew things weren't completely alright between them. And there was the unknown if Barnes knew of their past and mentioned anything or not as well. So many variables to consider.


	2. Pain

Natasha loved pain.  
  
It was like a balm upon her soul, and a personal penance to the atrocities she had committed in her young life. The blood on her hands, all the lives she had taken, changed, could never be rectified as long as she lived. But in her solace of penance she discovered she actually /loved/ the pain, if inflicted by someone of trust.  
  
Trust was not something she gave easily. With her training in the Red Room, working for the KGB she learned a hard lesson that she was the only person she could rely on. And now with everything having fell apart in her life. Losing her team, her family and most trusted friends, she had a hard time dealing.  
  
Hiding was nothing new for her, but coping was, and she wasn't doing well with it. She lost the one thing that helped her. When it all began to build, be too much, she would pick fights. It was the only way she could relieve the pain but get enjoyment at the same time. She was scared she would slip back into old habits. Become that thing trained to be a skilled assassin and spy. There was no denying she was very good at it.  
  
Time passed and all she wanted was to disappear into the world. She didn't want to find the others, try and mend ways, she just wanted to stop existing. Make the pain and pleasure of it to go away.  
  
And then it happened...


	3. Low

Natasha cant remember the last time someone called her by her name. To anyone else that’s not who she was. To everyone she gave a different name if she gave a name at all. The only person she knew that she had been in touch with in over eight months was Clint. Even then she wouldn’t tell him anything in fear she would be used against him or one of his family members to find out where she was or who she was with.  
  
In eight months she has went down a dangerous path. A down spiral of self destruction. She wasn’t into drugs, alcohol, apart from her normal vodka but she was Russian she could handle her liquor. No, she was into picking fights and even getting street fights that were held under group or in abandoned buildings by highest bidders. It was the only way she felt safe enough to vent her guilt, shame and need to punish herself. She had other ways she handled it in the past but she didn’t trust those means anymore.  
  
After a long hard battle she returned home, to see Clint, but she only agreed to meet him and in a disclosed location. Wasn’t that she didn’t trust him she didn’t want to have the government follow him and she didn’t want to put his family in danger by her presence.  
  
“Jesus Christ Nat, what the hell has happened to you?” Clint didn’t realize things were this bad with her.  
  
In the middle of nowhere in a small diner they sat in a booth. Sun blazing, heat baking, the air conditioning of the place felt nice compared to outside.  
  
Running her thumb over the side of her cup of ice water, as an afterthought, she wished it would burn her.  
  
“Nothing I can’t handle.” Arching a brow his way, small smirk in place, the pain of her busted lip and bruised head shining through the bit of makeup she had on. Normally she wouldn’t bother with it but for some reason she felt the need to meeting with Clint.  
  
“Cut the shit Nat, what are you doing to yourself? Are you fighting?” Fighting was something she did back in the day before SHIELD, before he gave her a chance to change her life.   
  
“Why don’t you cut it Clint. Last time I checked I could at least make my own decision with my own life.” Her voice low but the words were poignant. Being in control was something she always wanted in her life, except with one aspect. But she couldn’t indulge it in fear there was no one she could trust to help her with it. So all she had was fighting, hoping it would help relieve the pain, the guilt of failing her family her friends. She wasn’t able to protect anyone in the long run.  
  
Clint sighed, clasping his hands on the table in front of him. Looking out the window, a long silence spreading between them. “Have you been in contact with any of them...with him at least?”  
  
Her training was the only thing to keep the ache in her chest from showing on her face.  
  
“No...its better if I stay away…” Not that she hadn’t been keeping tabs on all of them. She knew where they were and if they had wanted her with them, they would have contacted her.  
  
Had she ever considered going back to the States, turning herself in for a deal? Hell no, she would rather die than go back on her decision to help them.  
  
“Nat…” Clint began, shaking his head. “You need to, this isn’t good for you. If he knew what was going on with you…” but he was cut off by a near furious Natasha.  
  
“...but he doesn’t and he doesn’t need to.” It was a warning on her part. If he had contact with the team she didn’t know and he didn’t tell. Taking in a slow, shaky breath Natasha looked down at the glass of water in front of her. Distress in her green eyes she tried to hold the unshed tears. “I can’t...okay...I just can’t…” The words almost whispered.  
  
Clint looked on at her with blue eyes of sympathy. He knew what she was going through. He had seen it before when she willingly joined SHIELD. He knew there more to her decision than what she was saying. And she only confessed them to herself and God.  
  
Taking his own slow breath he sat back in the booth. Resting his arms over the back staring at her. “You think if he knew this was happening he wouldn’t come in and put a stop to it?” He already knew the answer as well as she did. “You know as well as I do he wouldn’t approve. And you and I also know the only way you’re going to heal or get better is to go to them...to him…”   
  
All she could do was offer silence.  
  
Knowing it was true, and he was right. 

 


	4. Climax

Natasha stared into the mirror. Not recognizing the reflection before her as her own anymore. Face battered and blue, bleeding lip and nose from the street and underground fighting she had been doing for money as of late. Most nights she couldn’t sleep without the exhaustion of the fight. Helping so she wouldn’t dream of good times. Far more tortuous than having nightmares that have haunted her.  
  
Body aching, stiff, exhausted she closed her tired green eyes and hung her head over the sink. The sound of water dripping into the filled sink echoing like thunder to her ears.  
  
Hands reached down to cup the chilling water to her face. Wincing silently at the water touching wounds that were still fresh. The sting both a welcome comfort and a reminder of what she had become again.  
  
An object, a walking object that did nothing more than walk, breath, eat and sleep on the rare occasion.  
  
Leaned over the sink, trying to control her breathing she straitened. Eyes still closed she opened them only to startle at another reflection in the mirror staring back at her.  
  
“Natasha…”  
  
The mere fact they could sneak up on her should tell her how far off the reservation she was. Secondly she should be fleeing, not wanting to be seen like this. Bad enough Clint seen her, not him, not now, not till she could figure out what was going on in her head.  
  
Swiftly doing an about face, pushing past them out of the small bathroom. She had no idea what she was doing or where she was going but she couldn’t stay. Not in in front of him or her walls would crumble and she hated herself and him for that.  
  
She didn’t get far before she was being grabbed roughly and shoved into the closest wall. Arms pinned above her head she found herself panting. Skin feeling aflame where one hand trailed down her arm. Fingertips gently touching where the skin on her face was battered and broken. Fresh blood still on her face like a remnants of something she enjoyed.  
  
Closing her eyes, turning her face she didn’t want to see that look in his eye, not him. With one look he could tear down every single wall she had ever constructed to protect herself. How he could do it she couldn’t figure out and it unnerved her she couldn’t stand it.  
  
Gasping as if she were in pain, his arms sliding around her middle underneath her arms to pull her close. The warmth of his body making her shake uncontrollably. She held herself stiff in his arms. Not wanting to give in to whatever, just no.  
  
Body trembling, small panting breaths coming out from her burning lungs she felt like she might have a heart attack. Clenching her eyes closed she took deep breaths in, letting them out slowly.  
  
“It’s okay…” the whispered words were the straw that broke the camels back. A hard sob raked her body and she immediately covered her mouth. Screaming in her own mind to stop being so weak. Don’t be seen this way or she won’t ever been valuable again.  
  
What was she if she wasn’t valuable in some way?

**Author's Note:**

> Some of these chapters/posts may be short.


End file.
